Hipster Tips

A guide to life as a modern trendsetter.


by "Hipster" Moore

Historical Hipsters

Hipsters have existed all throughout history, but few of the Hipsters of the past are ever recognized. Today we give commendation to French aristocrat and military officer of the 1700’s, Marquis de La Fayette. 

La Fayette was instrumental in bringing French assistance to Colonial forces during the American Revolutionary War, and was a close confidant of Gen. George Washington.

What made La Fayette a Hipster?

Well for one, he was a poet, and oh boy did he know it. Although he wasn’t a very good one.

His name was Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de La Feyette (reportedly he made his name this long “just to be profound”).

He was French, and a successful soldier. Irony at its best. (Napoleon was technically Italian).

He was unwilling to cooperate with Napoleon’s government (probably because he didn’t want to be a conformist).

And….

He wore a powdered wig (the “fixed-gear bicycle” of his time).

La Fayette was a lean, mean, ironic machine. And today, Marquis, we hipsters salute you!

Being profound.

Being profound is predominantly about delivery. The words themselves would seem to be akin to the ramblings of a child, delusion from fever, if it wasn’t for your meaningful distant gaze, and hand movements that exude the feeling of “this guy know’s what he’s talking about”.

But delivery takes practice, let’s see a few examples of some profound dialogue:

"It’s like we are all letters. When we come together, we make words. But when we drift apart, what are we? ….Alphabet Soup"

or

"Have you ever looked at a river? I mean… really looked at one”

Whoa, I just got shivers. 

Profound….

The Perfect Threads

Always judge a book by its cover. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably the owner of a grossly unsuccessful book-cover design company.

Therefore, clothes means everything.

Today’s fashion item: A tweed Sport Coat.

Are you a wacky professor? Are you going to a country-club with a forged membership card to pocket handfuls of shrimp? That’s the mystery of a tweed Sport Coat.

Try rolling up the sleeves to show off those awesome anchor tats’ on your forearms.

That’a boy, now you’re classy. 

Complimenting like a pro.

Do you feel like taking time out of your busy self-absorbed life to tell someone else something nice? Well everyone is sick of the same ol’ compliments.

Try these on for size.

Referencing obscure tid-bits of social theory:

"Your hair is as rich and vibrant as Jean-Paul Satre’s Being and Nothingness”.

or

Tie the compliment of the person into a compliment of yourself (also, use a big word that you only partially understand):

"Your eyes are so brilliant, that the luster of my own seems slightly less adamantine".

There ya’ go.

"Cutting Edge Transit"

Every hipster knows how important it is to look cool wherever you go, and most of all, look cool going there. Fixed-gear bicycles normally fit the bill. But if you’re thinking of taking it to the next level, two words:  Pogo Stick.

"Hipsters and the Wild"

Every hipster should be in touch with nature. Eat granola, hike in the woods, help an Orangutan find food. If you live in a big city and can’t do these things, do the urban equivalent. 

Eat Hot-Cheetos, cultivate a Chia-pet, and attempt to become friends with the rats that live in your building’s boiler-room. 

"Never admit defeat"

Never admit defeat, especially intellectual defeat. If even a simple mistake threatens to ruin your cred’ as a true brains-box. Just deny it. 

If you send someone a text that says “fon’t” when you meant to type “don’t”, simply claim that “fon’t” is a word from an obscure dialect. 

"Union Jack-of-all-trades"

If you want to be a trendy Hipster, spice up your life by adding some Brit to your repertoire. Watch Dr. Who (or at least say you do), have a superficial knowledge of English history (or a knack for lying while incorporating shreds of truth), and pronounce the word Status, “stay-tuhs”. 

"Sepia Self"

Every hipster should be noticed. 

One word, Sepia. Immediately edit the majority of your photos into sepia-tone (Black-and-white is such a capitalist construct, and totally sold out). Also, use your budding photo-editing skills to add areas of over-exposure to the edges of all your pictures. It will be a riveting metaphor for the “exposure” you hope the image gets you. Irony Points: 27.

"The perfect Goal"

Soccer, also known as Futbol, should be a major addition to your stylistic arsenal. You may not want to watch or play soccer (because it kinda’ sucks), but wearing a faux-vintage soccer tee from the UK, or occasionally kicking a soccer ball around with friends (while clutching a can of PBR), will suffice.